Episode 4: Stacey Sloane's Story
In this episode of Three Rebel Souls, Sloane takes the mic and tells part of her story; the one about names, becoming, falling apart, finding herself, and learning that sometimes the life you thought was collapsing was actually making room for the one that was trying to find you.
We begin with the name Sloane: why she chose it, what it gives her, and how it became a sacred container for a part of herself she’s still learning to let breathe. From there, she opens up about one of the darkest seasons of her life; a time marked by depression, disconnection, heartbreak, friendship loss, and the brutal inner story that told her she was unlovable and unworthy. And then, somehow, a doorway appeared.
This conversation moves through grief, abandonment, self-worth, asking for help, finding your people, and the strange magic of hindsight, how sometimes the thing that breaks your heart also clears the path you never would have chosen for yourself.
This episode is for anyone who has ever felt lost, unlovable, unseen, or trapped inside a life that no longer fits. It’s a reminder that healing is not linear, becoming is not clean, and sometimes sovereignty looks like telling the truth, choosing yourself, and letting the old story die so something more honest can finally begin.
Mentioned in this episode:
Stacey wrap
Welcome to Three Rebel Souls
Transcript
Hey, how's it going?
Speaker B:Hi, guys.
Speaker C:Hello. Hello.
Speaker B:So happy to be here again. Looking forward to today.
Speaker C:Saloon. Well, now you've got, you've got yours out of the way, so.
Speaker B:Yeah, I feel good. I'm good.
Speaker C:No pressure for you.
Speaker B:Yeah, no, not for a little while. That's the next time out.
Speaker A:The hot seat.
Speaker C:All right, one word check in. How we feeling today?
Speaker B:I don't know. Tired. Feel like the, the, the that full moon. Like I'm really feeling it. Oh my God, Yes, I'm really feeling it.
Like so funny, I was wondering why I was so emotional yesterday and I'm like, oh, it's Pisces season and there's a full moon.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:So, you know, world events, all of that. You know, just contributing to it all.
But you know, even though all that's going on and all, like, I'm just excited to just keep doing what we're doing to just looking forward to what's coming. Like the good stuff. So that's where I'm at today.
Speaker C:Finding the good.
Speaker A:Yeah. And spreading the good.
Speaker B:Yes. That's why we're here today.
Speaker A:We'll see. I feel messy.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:I've been all over the place, up and down. And yeah, it's definitely a water influence, I think, like just trying to ride the waves. It is interesting. Yeah.
Speaker C:I'm feeling buzzy.
Speaker A:Tbd.
Speaker C:If it's related to the moon or the world or the two cups of.
Speaker B:Coffee I had, the lack of sleep, just say exactly. That's what I'm saying. All of the above for sure.
Speaker C:Exactly. But I'm feeling very buzzy today.
Speaker A:And I have, I've been. Yeah, I need to really focus on my boundaries because I tell you, yesterday someone came in the room and I was like, anxious, like flipping a switch.
I'm like, what the actual. And I was like, oh, that's not me. Okay. And so I was like, woo, Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.
Speaker C:Energetic boundaries.
Speaker A:Oh my God. Yeah, it was crazy. I'm like, why do I feel like this? Oh, it's not me. Gotcha.
Speaker B:Right?
It's funny like that, you know, you saying that like it's something that I've kind of also been trying to work through myself is because it's so easy for me to. Same thing, just take it on. Like, oh my God. All of a sudden I feel like, oh, it's me. And then I'm like, oh, wait a minute. Snot me.
Yeah, gotta, gotta work on that muscle.
Speaker C:Well, it sometimes even just takes me a moment to realize or to discern, like what's mine and what's not mine. Because it all feels like mine initially, but it's not.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker C:It's very easy to pick up on that from others.
Speaker A:Yeah. Well, I feel like. Yeah. Again, that watery thing. Right. Like, it kind of dissolves my natural boundaries that I've been working on. So. But this was.
This was, like, so striking that it was kind of easy to detect because I was just sitting there chilling, and all of a sudden it was just like. Like what the.
Speaker C:Oh, creeping in.
Speaker A:But. Yeah. But even recognizing that it was happening in myself, I mean, is like, whoa, I feel a lot right now. What is going on? Nothing.
I'm just sitting here. Oh, that thing changed. That's what's going on. It's not me. It's that. Gotcha.
Speaker C:Interesting.
Speaker A:So, yeah. Happy that I've made that much progress anyway.
Speaker C:Just recognition. Yeah, Just at least the recognition and. Yeah. Ability to move through.
Speaker A:That. Yeah. The. The time it takes my not having my brain start telling some story about what I'm feeling. Yes. That is huge progress. Yep.
Speaker C:Those are the moments when you see the work working.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker C:Right. Well, it's all about. It's all about you today, Lady Sloan. Where would you like to begin? Shall we begin with Sloan?
Speaker A:I feel like I have to introduce yourself. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:Tell us about that journey.
Speaker A:Well, why Sloan? So you will hear Erica and Adriana refer to me as Stacy because that is my birth name.
And it's apparently more appropriate than I thought because it means resurrection. My north node is in Capricorn in the eighth house. The eighth house is about rebirth, so that's part of my destiny.
But why am I using a different name?
I was sitting down to think about how to talk about this, and I've always wanted to choose a name for myself, like always a way to separate the private me from the public me. And more astrology. This might be because my sun, moon, Venus, and Mercury are all in the 12th house, which is very private. It just feels safer.
I don't know. And I don't know. It just feels right. I. I can't explain it. It just. That's how it feels. So.
But that's just a way for me to create, like, a boundary, I guess.
It's funny, we were just talking about boundaries, but this container where I can find and grow this creative part of me that I haven't made space for previously. You know, I'm 52, so I've spent most of that time playing roles that required filters and a of lot level of keeping it together. For other people.
And Sloan is just a place for me to be me on my own terms. But as I was going through this process, I also. It's helping me confront some things that I'm still struggling with.
I spent a lot of my life trying to find the perfect words so that other people would understand me. But I think I'm starting to realize that my people, like my tribe, if they don't already understand me, they'll be curious.
They will seek to understand. Up to now, a lot of people have just refused to understand. They don't want to understand, or they're not even in a place where they can understand.
And I don't want to spend any more time trying to meet people halfway when they can't or won't even take one step towards that middle ground. So while I aim to be completely authentic and transparent, not everyone deserves access to certain parts of me.
And part of what I'm still learning is to stop trying to justify, to find myself, to make other people more comfortable.
Speaker B:Love that. You know, it's funny, stood out to me is you. You saying finding the words to help people understand you. And I was like, oh, so Gemini rising of you.
Speaker C:Well, it reminds me. So, like, that's a. That's a thing that can be so challenging for the deeply feeling souls. Right?
It's that, like, it's hard to articulate your inner world, and it gets dismissed a lot. Right. So there's this. I think I saw this, like, on a post somewhere at some point, but I just found it.
It said, I hope you find someone who speaks your language so you don't have to spend a lifetime translating your soul. That I love. That I think speaks to that. Like, when you find your people, they either already understand or help you find the words.
Speaker A:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker C:When you're. You're at a loss for words, or they will get curious with you and walk through it with you. And that's. That is really cool.
Can you remind me again before we move on from this? Why did you choose Sloan? Was there something in particular in that meaning that gave it that, like, full body? Yes.
Speaker A:From you, the meaning? No. The word. Yes. Okay. In my Gemini rising, I love words. Like words. I love using words, lots of different words, knowing the meaning of them.
When I saw the meaning of the word Sloan, which was. What was it? All I can remember is sleek and warrior and. And strong. Strong, sleek, warrior. And I was like, e, I don't know. That feels too big for me.
Speaker B:But I think that is exactly you.
Speaker A:But when I Saw Sloan. Yeah. It was really like, yeah, my Aries warrior was like, that's it.
Speaker C:I feel like that's a. I. I like that you didn't hesitate to say that feels like exactly you. Because it does. Because we recognize that warrior doesn't always have to be loud and in your face. Sometimes warriors are quiet. Quiet and strong.
It does feel like it fits very much. Feels like it fits.
Okay, so we know where we are right now in this journey, but let's talk a little bit about the healing journey to get to this point.
Speaker A:Well, I've been through a few bouts of depression in my life, and when I was younger, it seemed simple to just push through. You know, just keep putting one foot in front of the other until I felt better. Not that it was instantaneous, but, you know, like, it.
It felt more like climbing a mountain, if that makes sense. Like, just steady progress towards better. But my last round, about eight years ago, was a very different experience.
Was already unhappy in my marriage, and what pushed me over the edge was a growing distance between a longtime friend and then a sudden ending of a friendship with someone that I saw every day. So I had no one to talk to, Just the voice in my head that deduced I was unlovable and unworthy.
And I think this is similar to what Adriana brought up. On the outside, everything seemed fine, right? I had a house. I had a husband and a daughter, A job.
But I was in a hole so dark that I couldn't see the light. And I was lucky. Really, really lucky. I was very lucky to find a job where I got to help other people. I became a coach.
And I won't say that it was a quick turnaround. It was far from it, but it helped me start to believe in myself again.
That if I could be valuable to others, then maybe my belief that I was worthless wasn't true. So much so started believing in myself.
So much so that I took a wild leap and invested thousands of dollars in myself to become a life coach, which is huge, as a Taurus, FYI. But that's where the real work began.
I started working with all those big and little voices in my head instead of trying to block them out or shove them down. And sitting here today, I can see that the light was always there. It was always around me and in me. And that kind of leads me to the why.
For me, doing this podcast, having been that person that was so disconnected from myself and others, just feeling so lost and so alone, I'm finally in a place where I know that I'm not alone. And I want others to feel that too. Even in healing, you know, life happens and it's gonna keep happening until we die. Right.
So, you know, people leave, people die, they hurt you, you hurt them. All of that doesn't change just because you're more self aware or spiritually aligned. Right.
I mean, are there days that I just want to go back to being completely unaware and just moving through life on autopilot or take a break from, you know, all of it all just knowing some of this stuff? Yeah, but life is messy, messy, messy.
I'm sitting in a huge messy life right now, but getting more comfortable with being uncomfortable in the unknown. That's where beauty and sovereignty and connection to yourself and others can be found. Yeah, I mean, for a long time I thought I was doing the work.
The goal of doing the work was to like reach a place. Like, now I'm safe, now I'm certain.
Speaker B:But.
Speaker A:I'm. I have found out now that there's something better.
It's the spaciousness, it's the ability to sit in the middle of a massive life shift, having no idea where I'm going or how I'm going to get there and realize that as messy as it is, I am no longer boxed in and trapped by my own fear.
I have enough room inside me now to hold the grief of the life that I had, the excitement for, the life that I'm building, and every other emotion that pops up. And so I've started. Stopped trying to find the exit and just started enjoying the expanse.
Speaker C:Excuse me, little birds. My goodness. Okay, I don't even want to ask follow up questions, my goodness.
Except that I have about a thousand and I'm going to give you options and then you can which thread you want to pull on.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker C:Because there's a lot in there. Yeah, you said like eight years ago there was just this sort of general unhappiness. What was the. What was the root of that?
And maybe you didn't know at the time, but like now in retrospect, right? Like was it. Was it shoulds or just that it felt like it wasn't yours? Or was it something else? Or. I guess I also. So here's option two.
I also want to know how did that opportunity to become a coach even come across your lap and what made you say yes, even in the midst of that, like, kind of darkness? Choose your own adventure.
Speaker A:That one's easier.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker A:The other one might be a good podcast topic episode. Yeah,.
Speaker C:That's nine giggles, by the way. So just not keeping tally marks on my nine.
Speaker A:Nine nerve for me. Giggling.
Speaker C:Nine nervous giggles. That's.
Speaker B:I love that you're counting them.
Speaker C:It's one of your most endearing qualities.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:How you talk about hard things with a little giggle.
Speaker A:Well, that's how I roll.
Speaker C:We like it.
Speaker A:Yeah. I. It was.
I now realize, having studied some human design, not studied human design in general, but for myself, my networking is how I succeed or do things. And someone I know that I worked with came up to me and was like, hey, we're doing this thing.
Like, it's all volunteer right now, but I think you'd be really good at it. And it's a coach. It's a team coach, essentially. And they're like, I think you'd be really great at it. And I was like, sure, I'll shadow you.
You know, like, see what it's all about. And.
And then when they actually created the team, like, for real, not just, like, testing out if it would work, and when they're like, yeah, this is fantastic. Let's do it, and they posted the position, I got the job. That was it. Networking. Like, somebody I knew said, you'd be good at this.
Speaker B:How long were you doing that before you decided to take the. The coaching course?
Speaker A: That was in:And then when did we do this school?
Speaker C:2023. Three y.
Speaker A:So six years. And I had been learning things there.
Speaker C:Like, you're never not learning.
Speaker A:That's true. But I mean, like, coaching teams, like, it was a work thing. Right? So, like, coaching teams, you know, like, how to get teams to agree.
How to get them to work better together. Like, and not get them to, but, like, coach them. Like, coach them.
And when I realized, even today, my boss will say, hey, if you want to learn how to code, there's always a job for you. You know, like. And I could. Like, I find it interesting, you know, building things, making things, thinking about. And technology moves so fast now.
It would definitely be a fun challenge, but people, I think, are way more challenging. They make much less sense. They are logical, usually. So it's. It's super challenging. I will never be bored as a coach.
Speaker C:Okay. I love that.
I love that it came about by someone noticing something that maybe would have been hard for you to see in that moment, but you said yes anyway.
Speaker A:Yeah. Yeah. Just being open. Right. Even though I was a mess, I had almost no belief in myself.
Whatsoever I was open enough to hear what somebody else had to say.
Speaker C:Well, and it's almost like I think for me sometimes the reason that, the reason that kind of stuff can work is because it's almost like a distraction from myself. That's how it feels for me.
It's like, okay, well, my shit's a hot mess right now, but maybe I can just busy myself with what's going on over here and I could feel helpful and useful. Um, but then that actually helps kind of like pull you out of it.
Speaker A:Yeah. No, this to me was like I was already doing a job. Like I had a full time job at work and this was another part time job on top of that job.
It was literally me just trying to fill the hole with other things.
Speaker C:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:Now this all happened around the same time that you were.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Having the hard time like this. This is when like the whole, for lack of a better word, like everything, like, hit the fan for you.
Speaker A:Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yes.
Speaker B:But it's funny how. Because it's always in hindsight right.
When you can look back at things, but it's funny how you feel like hit the fan and everything might have been falling apart. That's how you might have felt. But it's actually falling into place. Right. Like now that you look back. Right.
It's almost like, oh, even though it hurt. It was because, like that change, even though you can't see it at the.
At the time, how much it hurts, but it was like, because it was like now you were putting on the path that you're meant to be.
Speaker A:Yeah. Yeah, sorry. I just realized something as you were saying that.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker A:I might not have taken it if I had still been friends with the person that cut me off because she did not like the person that gave me the opportunity.
Speaker B:And you were not taking it out.
Speaker A:Of loyalty because it would have caused problems. Yes. Wow.
Speaker C:In your head about it. That's interesting.
Speaker B:So the universe said, we got to remove her because this is for you. And the universe knew.
Speaker C:Wow. Woof. That's hard.
Speaker A:Yeah. I've never thought about that before.
Speaker C:The universe works in mysterious ways.
Speaker B:I'm always so amazed, like looking back at how. Right when you actually look back and.
Speaker C:See how clear it is.
Speaker B:Yeah. You're like, oh my God, that's why it had to happen. And you're like, thank God.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:You know, it's like I was so hurt. Right.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker C:Are you in the thank God place yet?
Speaker A:I guess I'm grateful. I mean, I've been grateful for a while. Do you know what I mean?
Like, because I did realize without feeling like I lost everything, that I would not have found the other way, if that makes sense. Like, I would have just kept doing what I was doing. Right. Like, because it was working. I mean, it wasn't good, but it was okay.
I mean, I had a paycheck and you know what I mean? Like, it was the bare minimum.
Speaker C:Well, wait. So, okay, without feeling like you lost everything. So was it like a. Was it a.
A moment of like, I've got nothing left to lose, I might as well do something kind of feeling, or was it a.
Speaker A:Maybe a little bit? It didn't feel like that. It felt like. What did it feel like? It felt validating, I guess. Like, to be asked to be worthy. Yeah.
Speaker C:To do something.
Speaker A:Like when I felt so worthless. Okay. Like, I see your value. I think you can use it here. Like that. That's what it felt like.
Speaker C:Okay. I love that.
Speaker B:I feel like you're always given a little something when something's taken away.
Speaker A:Yeah. No, I was giving a huge something.
Speaker C:A life changing something.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Did you see it that way at the time?
Speaker A:I think I saw the potential once I understood what it was. Because I didn't know. I had no idea what the job was. I went into a blind. Never heard of it at all. And it even caused some friction.
Speaker C:With who?
Speaker A:My boss. My current boss.
Speaker C:Oh, because you were doing other things.
Speaker A:No job description. Not my then boss. My then boss was like, whatever. I know you can handle. Carrying whatever load you choose to carry. Like, literally. I've.
I've been very lucky in most of my bosses. Very lucky. The person that went on to hire me was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You have to talk to me before you can just bring people in and have them start doing stuff. We. We have to talk to their boss. We have to. Like, it was really the person that invited me in sort of gotten in a little bit of trouble. Not.
Not like real trouble, but like, you cross a boundary. You can't just do whatever you want kind of thing.
Speaker C:Got it.
Speaker A:So it was really more a Capricorn Gemini conflict is what it was. That Capricorn's like, this is what we're doing. The Gemini's like, hold on a minute. We need to have a discussion about this.
Speaker B:So I want to ask you about what the process was for you after losing that friendship.
Speaker A:Like.
Speaker B:Like what you went through, because that's around the time when you said you lost the friendship, like, you were unhappy with your marriage. So, like, on a personal Level. What was it like for you?
Speaker A:Complete shitstorm. What was it like? What was your work was manageable. Let me put it that way. I could usually compartmentalize enough to deal with work enough.
Oh, anger, obviously, that's my primary response to any type of emotion. I was pretty pissed off and. Or crying when I wasn't at work.
Speaker B:Those work, like, a little bit, like, of an escape for you also, in.
Speaker A:A sense, except that the person that broke my heart was at work.
Speaker C:So unfortunately, I didn't know. So there's a layer I didn't know.
Speaker A:Yeah. I mean, that was somebody I saw every day.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:Oh, I. I was wondering how the person that I was wondering the connection of, like, the person that you. The friendship you lost, was connected to the disapproval of the new person that asked you to do this thing.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker C:It was a work. Work friendship. Right, Got it. Someone in the same city as you.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker A:So other than that, I mean, just my process, I think. Sorry. There was no processing going on. It was just.
Speaker B:Grief.
Speaker A:It really just felt like sitting, like, at the bottom of a very, very, very, very deep, dark hole. That's how to felt like.
Speaker C:Do you have anyone else to connect with? On it. Hmm.
Speaker B:So hard.
Speaker A:I couldn't talk about hurt. So badly, like, I couldn't speak about it. I don't know if that makes sense.
Speaker C:I. Yeah, I can relate to that.
Speaker A:Back then, it. I was so vulnerable.
I didn't feel safe enough with anybody to bring it up because I don't think anything anybody would have said would have made anything any better, but it sure as hell could have made it worse.
Speaker B:Yeah. I feel.
I feel like I can relate because it's kind of similar to what I went through as well, like, with, like, when I first asked for the divorce, that I didn't really want to talk to anyone. I mean, for different reasons, you know, but it was because.
Partly because I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone, that it was safe to talk to anyone, but also because I. I knew it wasn't safe because I just didn't want to hear their. Right. Like, they're. Erica.
Speaker C:Well, you don't want to be, like, number one. Don't need your opinions because.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:You said Adriana was. Like, I needed to be alone so that I could hear myself.
Speaker B:Right. Yeah.
Speaker C:Learn to trust yourself. Which it sounds. Stacy, like maybe you didn't want to hear yours as much as Adriana did. Right. Or maybe you did.
Maybe I'm not just making assumptions, but the other part is, like, I don't need your. Your sort of, like, canned responses. I don't need you to, like, placate me. I don't need you to, like, just.
Speaker B:Right. Exactly. Yeah.
Speaker C:Stop. Save it. I need honesty and truth.
Speaker B:Well, because I couldn't actually listen.
Speaker C:Yeah. I need curiosity.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Speaker A:Well, because I didn't have any answers.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:So how can I talk about something exactly.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:That I haven't figured out yet? Right.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker A:All I could express was my pain, which I did not have the capacity to do, or the skills.
Speaker B:But the. But also the people. Right. Like the people who could actually just sit with you in that.
Speaker C:Right. Just hold space for it.
Speaker A:Oh, yeah. Nobody could do that.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:But also the mental gymnastics is like. Well, I've got about 7, 000 different explanations, but I don't know which one is true. And all of them suck. So I'm just gonna.
Speaker A:Well, yeah. In my head, they were all me.
Speaker C:Right, exactly.
Speaker B:It's the go to, isn't it? It's a go to.
Speaker C:Yep.
Speaker A:I was the problem. Me and me alone. Which is obviously not true because every relationship has absolutely two. At least two people in it, so to say.
Speaker B:Is there anything else you want us to ask you about? Anything else you want to talk about that we can ask you about?
Speaker A:The suggestion from Gemini was. You talked about the beauty found in the mess and the unknown.
For someone listening who is currently in their own dark hole and can't see the light yet, how do you balance being comfortable with the uncomfortable without just spiritually bypassing the pain?
Speaker C:Woof. Okay. She giggles. She just laughs.
Speaker A:I know.
Speaker C:She just laughs through it.
Speaker A:Well, a couple reasons. Right. Woof. Because a shrinking. Yeah, everybody check it out. It's great. And. Well, yeah, because it's uncomfortable.
Speaker C:Okay, so what's the question? How do you.
Speaker A:Okay, I can just.
Speaker C:Just launch.
Speaker B:Can say. Just talk about the Being uncomfortable with the uncomfortable and not bypassing.
Speaker A:Yeah. Not bypassing is.
Speaker C:Should it be like a prompt of, like, what do you like? What are you learning the most right now?
Speaker B:I feel like this sounds like we're coaching her.
Speaker A:Maybe.
I. I like the spiritual bypassing part because I think what I'm starting to learn or understand, let me put it that way, is there are certain points where spiritual bypassing is progress. Like, it might be necessary because when you're in the hole, it's hard to deal with the hole.
So maybe we need to skip a couple rungs, if we can, on the ladder out, lest they break and send you back into the hole. And then Once you're on firmer ground, you can revisit those, if that makes any sense. Did my metaphor go too far off the rails?
Speaker B:I. I know. I. I. Like, I understand what you're trying to say, but I feel like using or like saying that it's okay to spiritual bypass doesn't sound right to me.
Speaker A:Certain things, I feel like maybe everything.
Speaker B:Right. I'm just saying, like, using the term for me, I feel like. Because it's almost like, gives.
Not for you, but I'm just saying, like, in general, it's almost like an excuse. Like, oh, I'm. I just. I'm. I'm not going to deal with that, you know, versus.
Speaker A:But I think you have to, because you can't. I don't think anybody is capable of dealing with everything all at once.
Speaker B:Correct. Correct. But I guess what I'm saying is that you're consciously saying, like, this is too much right now, so I need to not look at it right now.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:So I'm just going to set it aside for when I'm more ready to deal with it. Feel like saying spiritual bypassing is. I feel like that's very intentional consciousness.
No, I feel like it's very intentional to saying I don't want to look at that. You know, Am I explaining myself correctly? Like, with, like.
Speaker C:I hear you define it, though. What do you mean by that? Me, Sloan. And then take it like.
Speaker A:But see, here's the thing. When you're. When. When I was in that place, I could not have dealt with all of the things, right? Because it was my whole life, right.
It wasn't just that one situation. The one situation brought up future topics. My abandonment issues, which are. Were huge. That's what happened to me over and over and over.
And this was just another, like. And it's hard when you're there to say without any tools or support, I'm gonna deal with this. Right? Like, that's another thing.
If you go to a therapist or something. You know what I mean? Like, and you have somebody there supporting you, giving you tools, helping you. I chose not to go to a therapist.
Because I didn't think anybody cared. The message I had was I was unlovable. I was not worthy of even having a conversation with, like, to me, which is the worst thing you can do.
I would rather have you scream in my face, then cut me off. Sorry. I'm laughing because my Aries moon is a huge I'm just cutting you off thing.
So it's totally a reflection of myself, and so I laugh When I hear that, that's a trigger for me, and it's something that I do. Although I'm better at it now, I'll have a conversation before it would just be, nope, we're done. So, like, I think the path isn't linear. Right.
So, for example, we went to coaching school, and I went to what, six, eight months of training to realize how much work I truly had to do. But during that six to eight months, Right. I was using the tools of affirmations, which is a form of bypassing.
When you don't actually understand what affirmations are supposed to be. Right. Like, when you don't fully understand.
When I look in the mirror and say, I love you, and my insides kind of cringe, that's a signal that affirmation won't work. Because you actually don't believe that. Right. So.
But at the same time, I did it anyway, and it did start to change things, and then I could start dealing with the feelings that were coming up because of it. Does that make sense? That's what I mean by bypassing. Like, sometimes you just have to do something wrong.
Speaker C:You have to start changing the story. And. Yeah, like.
Speaker A:And little by little, yes, you can start actually doing the work.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker A:And reminder, when I was in coaching school, this is six years after I started climbing out of the hole, and I still didn't love myself.
Speaker B:You still didn't what?
Speaker A:Love myself? Not all the way.
Speaker B:Yeah, but you were loved.
Speaker A:Certain parts of myself,.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker A:I was much nicer to other people than I was to myself. That I could do. But I was building that muscle. Right. So that I could then use it on myself.
Like, if I can treat Erica with compassion when she's going through this situation, can I, in turn treat myself with compassion when I'm going through the situation?
Speaker C:Yep.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker C:It's question of, like, what would you tell your closest friend if they were going through what you're going through? And then you compare that to the narrative that you're currently feeding to yourself, and you're like, oh, I'm real mean to myself sometimes.
Sometimes.
Speaker A:Back then, I was mean to myself all the time.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:So, yeah, Well, I think it's.
Speaker C:It's. It connects back to, like, what you were saying right in the beginning about. In. In that opportunity you.
You got at work that allowed you to help other people.
Like, sometimes one of the best ways for us to help ourselves is to help others kind of, like, create those little connections or, like, feel like we're having an impact. Like, that is helpful to Even just pull yourself out a little bit.
Speaker A:For me, it's crazy helpful. Like I am. I like to make progress. You know what I mean? Like, I like to see progress.
And I couldn't see that in myself, but I could see it outside of myself because of me. So to me that was the doorway.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker A:Even though I didn't think I was valuable to myself, I felt valuable to others. And it helps you start challenging the voice in your head.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker A:Because it's building, grab, building proof, chipping.
Speaker C:Away at that like that.
Speaker A:The false narratives that you're telling yourself.
Speaker B:Yeah. Because while you're helping others essentially do the same thing. Right. Because basically everyone lives in their head.
You start to see that you can do that for yourself too. So it helps you like you start to see yourself.
Speaker A:Yeah, but the, my internal dialogue at that time was you are unlovable and you are worthless. Yeah, but I wasn't worthless. I was valuable.
And every day I showed up and did something valuable for somebody else was taking apart another piece of that internal story that I was telling myself. Right.
Speaker C:So many of us have a hard time acknowledging the stories in which we're valuable. No, but like, like our own value. I think back to the moment where someone said to you, I think you'd be really good at this.
And, and I'm, I was just like reflecting for myself of how many times I've actually said that to myself. Never. Versus the number of times I've said that to someone else. Like, or.
I think a lot of the good opportunities in my life have come about because someone else is like, I think you'd be good at this or I think you would love doing this. I think you'd really enjoy it. Right.
Like it's the people who know you best and can see things in you that you can't always see when you're stuck in that like inner narrative. When that very, like that very self deprecating story. Because I feel like we're, I feel like that's also part of our conditioning. Right.
Like absolutely need to kind of make ourselves small and make ourselves fit.
And like, like I think you said at the beginning, performing, like, yeah, doing, doing all these things for the performative nature of it, but if we can actually tap into the things that make us come alive or when someone shows us something that makes us come alive, like man, does that ever like change things.
Speaker B:And I'll, I'll say too, finding your people. Right.
Like, I feel like that's very helpful aside from like the other people, like workplaces and stuff where they see something in you finding your people is. It's just a community, right? Like, when you find a community is. It's so helpful because that, like, we do need each other, right?
Like, we need, we need others to see the things that, you know, we can't see. Like those roadblocks, right?
Like, it's so helpful to see because it, it really, like, yes, you have to help yourself and build your confidence, but when you have the support of others or when others see in you what you can't see in you, it's, it's, it's. It gives you this little, like, pep in your step, right?
Like, it just helps you start believing in yourself a little more because you're like, oh, wow, you see that in me? Like, and then you can look at it and start seeing it in yourself. It's like, my whole point is that we just. We need other people.
We can't do it all alone, right?
Speaker C:Yeah. I think about going back to just that idea of, like, performing again.
It's like everything feels like it's become so competitive and there's this, like, performative nature about so many things.
And we've become so hyper independent because of the, like, the competition or the, like, needing to kind of like the, the keeping up with the Joneses or like, putting on, like, having the, the image or whatever that if we, like, returned to this state of just admitting when we need each other instead of competing with one another, just like relying on one another, how different so many of these things would feel. Because I feel like so much of it comes from. At least for me, Like, I'll just speak from my own experience. I suck at asking for help.
Like, I am terrible at asking for help. So it's a constant work in progress for me.
But I feel like it's because I was sort of, like, taught to take pride in being independent and figuring things out and like, whatever. And I was also sort of taught that it's better to give. And so I just sort of like, adopted this.
I'm a giver, I'll help everybody else, but nobody's allowed to help me kind of mentality. And there was shame in it for me, asking for help or like, reaching out when I needed something. Right.
Speaker A:Interesting.
Speaker C:Why?
Speaker A:I don't like when you have another episode about that.
Speaker B:Yeah, so many topics here because so many topics.
Speaker A:Performing, asking for help. I was taught that asking for help never changed anything because nobody was going to help you.
Speaker C:Interesting.
Speaker A:Yeah, that's exactly why I said that.
Speaker C:We're gonna Put a pin in this.
Speaker B:Yeah. I feel like it's so many topics here that I'm writing them down.
Speaker A:Thank you.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Well, anything else for me?
Speaker B:Yeah. And I, I, I would like to know where you are today. In with your marriage, with your. Yeah. With your relationship.
Speaker A:Oh, um, In a slightly uncomfortable place. So we are getting a divorce and. Yeah, that's it. It's fine. Everything's good in the sense that we don't hate each other.
Like, we're still friends or whatever. It's just living in the same house, trying to sort stuff out, get the legal things lined up and. Yeah.
That's why I don't know where I'll be in six months.
Speaker B:Yeah. What was like your, like your breaking point with that? Like what, what got you to that decision?
Speaker A:Do we want to do like a whole session on this for the three of us?
Speaker B:I mean, we could.
Speaker A:Is there a breaking point?
Speaker B:Yeah. Like, what was like.
Speaker A:I guess I feel like there are many, if that makes sense.
Speaker C:Death by a thousand paper cuts is how I describe my mind. I think there's no one big thing.
Speaker A:It was, I think for me, there was one thing where I was like, oh, yeah. Like, I had been thinking something, you know, like, for a while. This, to me, this is like a longer topic, so. Okay.
But there was a single conversation where it was like, ah, and insane.
Speaker B:Right, Got it.
Speaker C:I hate that my brain works that way too, where it's like, once I see something, I can't unsee it. And sorry, friend, there's no coming back from that. Like, there's no redemption, no shot.
Speaker A:I mean, to me, it was really more about, okay, I can't pretend anymore. Exactly.
Speaker C:So, yes.
Speaker B:Can totally relate to that. Well, thank you for sharing all of that, for your vulnerability, answering all of our questions and giving us even more topics to talk about.
Speaker A:You guys were distracting me because I was talking. Because your faces kept doing like the. Oh, I should have been like Adriana and printed it out.
Speaker B:Don't look.
Speaker C:Not looking.
Speaker A:It was distracting.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:Ignore the non verbal conversations happening over here. I can't control over what my face does.
Speaker B:Right. I always make a face.
Speaker A:I love it like that. It's so engaging. Right. Like, I want to dig in as soon as I see those expressions. And it's like, oh, I have to finish my story.
Speaker B:Right. That's awesome.
Speaker C:All right, well, we'll be back again.
